You know when someone dies, people crawl out of the woodwork talking about how great a person they were. We all become experts on their character and charade as mediums talking about what they "wouldn't have wanted." Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely dense. I understand the need to express empathy for someone's passing, I understand the desire to comfort people through distressing times but me being the overthinker I am does wonder why it would take such a tragic event to bring out these sentiments in people.
As harsh as it sounds, your kind words do nothing for the dead. Of course it may give their family some comfort knowing that their deceased was appreciated and loved but doesn't it mean more to tell the person that themselves when they're still here? It's now a common sentiment. As the great Joyner Lucas once said "So give 'em a rose while they still alive". And it really rings true, we all deserve our roses. As much as a lot of us like to be modest and maybe claim we don't like compliments - well actually, I guess compliments are a different thing. But we like hearing nice things about ourselves and I don't know about you but I like saying nice things about other people.
There is something quite pure about telling someone what you feel about them unprovoked. Or maybe it's not unprovoked, maybe somethings happened that's given you the urge to think certain things about someone. Actually, I think the pure thing is that compulsion and often we want to go against our impulses for whatever reason but sometimes I think it's okay to give into them. A lot of times I'll be having a seemingly normal conversation with a friend and I just have this urge to tell them how much I appreciate them in that moment. It used to be imprisoned in my thoughts but in more recent times I've found the key and left the door open. Sure I get questioned, because it can seem random but ultimately people are happy to receive such sentiments and it makes me feel good also.
But it's all very much two fold. You don't just think positive things about people. Am I really suggesting that you go into work tomorrow and tell Linda that you're tired of talking about what she had for dinner last night? Of course not, very seldom is a notion like this blanketed and the intentions behind telling someone what you really think about them is never malicious. Instead, it's more about letting the other person know how you make them feel whether that's positive or negative. I actually think it's very important to tell people when they have done something to make you feel some kind of way. Of course there's ways to approach these situations and we can't be seen to moan about every little thing someone may have done to us. But there are times where someone hurts you, often unintentionally. And when someone hurts you, you think, you feel, all these emotions swirl around inside you and you have an internal battle with yourself whether you should say something. But this person may be your friend, you might not like confrontation, or maybe you're overreacting. I do however think you just know whether it's something that will pass, something you will get over or if it's something that you need to voice.
I've got in the habit of having these hard conversations. Telling people how I feel, we are always confronted with these sentiments of being communicative, honest and not being afraid to say what's on our mind and everyone is up for that except for when the thing you have to say, is about them. I often get told that I am a hard person to read, and even though I try to be more expressive, actually, the way I am mitigating that is by being more vocal about my emotions. And in the moment it feels good, I draft a message "often a lengthy one" and read it over and over to ensure that everything I'm saying is first of all coming from a place of honesty and integrity and secondly accepting blame on my part whenever it needs to be taken. Very rarely is a situation one sided, and people are willing to be more receptive to your emotions about a situation if they see that you are also taking responsibility when you can.
Now - don't get it twisted. Saying what you think about people in these situations isn't without its risks. Does this person even want to hear from you for starters? Have you waited a bit too long to say something? What are you trying to gain from having this conversation? Are you trying to get a relationship back on track, do you just need the closure or are you lashing out? And doing this does leave you vulnerable to a certain extent. Not everyone deserves your honesty, not everyone should be privy to what goes on in your mind and in your heart. So I think it is important to be very careful about what you do choose to share. You don't want it all to be thrown back in your face later which is a real possibility
I've done this whole thing I think 3 times in the past month alone. Where I just had enough of having so much to say to someone but waiting for the "perfect" time to say it. Or hoping they'd message me first and then I could lead into it. But screw that, gone are the days where I'm waiting for other people. I've realised that I can count on very few people and I can no longer afford to let people show me that I can't count on them. Not to sound like I'm being a total drama queen because I'm sure we've all been through this. But I've had a lot of relationships breakdown due to poor communication and I never want to be the reason for why something didn't work because I failed at a basic human skill. So always, to the best of my ability, it's all on the table. I'll answer most questions and will never leave you guessing. You'll know if I like you or can't stand you - just ask me.
But I still have these battles for some situations where I guess it's the pettiness in me where I don't want to say something out of pride. Why should I be the one to put it all out there if this person was the one who stopped speaking to me? And it's fair, not saying I will always do it. But I am always open and always willing to talk to anyone.
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