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How to Beat the Buffet… sort of.

We all love a buffet whether it be chinese, pizza or ribs. And we all have our own theories of how we can “beat” the buffet. But let’s be serious we’re never actually going to “beat” the buffet are we? And what exactly does it mean to “beat” the buffet. Eating more than you’ve paid for, not being full when you leave or the buffet closes before you’re full? I’m not going to lie I’ve never been good at buffets I can just about manage 2 plates but I’m pretty sure I have some sort of problem with eating but I guess this makes me kind of know the mistakes you shouldn’t make at a buffet.

Let’s start with before the buffet…

1) Eating before – Many people believe that if you don’t eat anything on the day you have the buffet or eat very little then you’ll be able to maximise your stomach capacity in preparation for the buffet. In my experience this does help but probably not as much as people think. But I’d still say try and eat as little as possible before you go.

2) Pooping – Disgusting I know, actually, why is it disgusting? We all do it. We all know that we all do it? It’s just a natural bodily function. But yeah pooping helps clear your insides. And I’m not too sure about the scientific side of it but surely things leaving your body can only make more space for stuff to enter.

3) Exercise – After you exercise or do some sort of sport afterwards you always have the munchies. So why not use this to your advantage and exercise before you go. Chances are you’ll be starving and will be able to reach your full potential at the buffet.

4) Attire – Your clothes are important. I’m sorry guys but you’re going to have to sacrifice swag in order to beat the buffet. I suggest wearing something elasticated and loose. Jeans are probably what most of us like to wear when we go out but you know the devil wears jeans right? Talk about restriction. If you’re going to wear jeans at least wear ones that are a couple of sizes too big so your food baby has space to breathe.

When you’re at the buffet…

5) Bread – I can’t stress this enough. DO NOT fill up on bread. They may look harmless and just like a nice little thing to get you started but no. They will sit in your stomach and after two rolls you’ll be more than halfway to your limit.

6) Plate capacity – Don’t over fill your plate. I know we can all get carried away. “Oh I’ll have some of that. Oh that looks good I’ll splash a bit of that on. OH CHICKEN, what colours my skin? Yes please.” Take it slow. The buffet isn’t going anywhere. If you have too much on your plate just by looking at it you’ll feel full. Take what you know you can eat comfortably with plenty of room for manoeuvre. (BTW I don’t support the chicken stereotype)

7) Timing – Take your time. Like I said the buffet isn’t going anywhere. People actually say it’s better to eat it quick but nah I don’t believe in that. What good can come out of that? Your stomach won’t be able to keep up. One minute you’ll be going “in” and the next your insides will be coming out. Also the time between finishing plates and going up for a new one is important. Don’t be too hasty. Give yourself a chance to compose yourself and have a good think about your plan of action.

After the buffet…

8) Wait – Don’t leave straight away. If you do you’ll stand up and immediately sit back down because you feel like you’re carrying an Elephants child. It’s good to just chill and it’s one of those 3 times when you think about life. You can have some real deep meaningful thoughts after a buffet you know. What are the other 2 you say?

9) Tending to your stomach – Rub your stomach for a little while. Let it know you love it and appreciate it. Congratulate it, after all it done a pretty good job coping with your gluttony. Also it actually just feels good.

Follow these steps and you stand a good chance of not beating the buffet but definitely maximising your chances of eating as much as you possible can and that’s the whole point of a buffet right?

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